The Kindling
Posted at 12:09 AM

True happiness lives everywhere. It chooses you. It lives in your car when you drive to work. In vast scenic bridges, or in angelic choirs in your brain. It’s a place apart from the immense, benign laugh of life. A friend once told me, “Beware of people who might affect your life story. They would change it, rewrite it, turn it to swill”. And then, I met him. He was everything parents tell us to avoid. He was dark, mysterious, and sexy. He was the most beautiful thing my eyes ever beheld. He was creation and apocalypse. He was Jesus. He was Judas. One could picture him beaming, radiant, shouting --- “I am a golden god!” He was what nourished me, what destroyed me. He was uncorrupted innocence and pure malice. He was everything that I loved and everything that I loathed. And he did not know. I contented myself with every stolen glimpse of him; this boy with his ineffable silence. His smile would illuminate the unfathomable sadness I had. His limited words; fill my infinite loneliness. Sometimes, I felt like ending everything while all joy was still bearable. You, my friend, could not possibly imagine the degree of elation I’m in. Sometimes the happiness is so unbearable, so maddening, I sometimes cry out in pain. His love was cocaine. I could not get enough of it. And I knew that I was doomed. “I will never forget you”. This struck me as goodbye rather than a promise. Sometimes, the truth hides in words disguised in hope. And what a day to be out of hope! I should remind myself to buy some when I go to the grocery. “Do you want anything? I’m going to the store”, mom hollers. “Could you buy me some hope?”, I answer. “And whenever did you start smoking?”, she retorts. I just smile and head for my room. There are a lot of things mother doesn’t know about me. Things are so secret in the confines of our house walls. Walls, that serve as eternal divisions of moral and immoral rectitude. My voice is heard through these pillars of pallor, only because I choose to matter. Some days, I’d rather go invisibly; untouched. But enough of me! This is about him --- my happiness. I became his shadow. I was there even if I was not. Somehow I thought this would serve us both in the positive. I would wake hi for school, help hm with schoolwork, cook for him, clean his room, care for him when he was ill. Hell, I was Inday and inay all rolled into one! One could even say that I could have received an award. But “thank you” is so expensive during these trying times. I decided to go passive. And where did it bring me? To a situation called, I will never forget you. I still don’t know how this tale would end. The stubborn part of me still cries out for answers. But then, no answer could ever suffice at a point that I’m still struggling with my faith. One thing is for sure; I don’t care if my life story will be edited a thousand times, or if it turns to swill in the end, so long as he remains my happiness in the long run. >>> Reveries i had 2 years ago. The conclusion has ended in a brighter aspect, far from the ebon gloom of this past. The final event though, still remains to be written.