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Entries for November, 2004November 3, 2004
First Breath
Posted at 06:57 AM
 You think you woke up one day and decided, I want to be a new me?! Fair tidings, eager imps! Tapping at these click keys has never been missed this much. Inspiration has eluded me for quite some time and so, pardon for my long absence. I have been slaving for a month now and I finally feel the benefits being reaped from the golden fields. The weather has been changing endlessly -- rain trip-trapping on my roof and the solar wonder bracing me with his warm comfort. All is well. Psyche was finally rescued by Cupid, and we are like cream and coffee again. A lot has happened over the past month -- memories that you sometimes want to forget and moments that you'll always look back upon. *Ephemeral Smile* The future is uncertain, but I always thread on what fate serves me with much anticipation. Dark have been my days of late. But I am thankful that all my friends are there to share their love and understanding. goya and chuva: my life would never be the same again. If I were able to decipher what life, love, folly, happiness and melancholy were, I'd still be an empty shell had I not met you 2. A thousand thanks!  I found a shining knight who reciprocates my love for words and shares my idea of nurturing the idea of amour. Many thanks for sparing me your patience and enduring my never-ending sighing and gloating during those times.  cyrrem_chreez has been promoted for Armani! Congratulations, dear friend! I'm really happy for you. soaring_angel: although fate delights in tinkering with the time clock, we will have our moments and once again, we will toil in stories of the past and plans for the future. I miss you, bes! norman: chance encounters in ym is always a delight! I enjoy exchanging views with you, queer creature. adonis: I'm glad I get to see you once in a while. I've missed that mischievous smile. braso boys: Thanks for the little conversations during our yosi breaks! I'm sorry that I have to quit.  jodon, arch , ivan, & lacs: salamat sa walang sawang pag-papayo at pakikinig. Much appreciation from this throbbing mass. ace: salamat sa vcd! Gamot sa kalungkutan! flaming bullet: ano ka jan?! hehehe! Neighbor, sabay ako uwi! j: Boston is always my favorite. Thanks! little fairy: watching you eat lunch with nicole on your web cam will always be weird for me. hahaha!  Your site is turning porno, dude! I feel alive again!
November 3, 2004
Kanta Tayo!!!
Posted at 10:31 PM
Listen to the waves Everything communicates Will it ever be Anything more Than wishful thinking? Oh no there you go ooked away and Missed the show How much time Will you survive? Feel the blades of grass How it brings you back It will always be Only as green As you can see Oh no there you go Looked away and Missed the show How much wasted time Will you survive? Oh yeah fooled again I don't know how And I don't know when Not much else to blame But wishful thinking Little breakdowns In coastal towns They come suddenly Crashing over you They come easily I'm falling Through the skies And frozen places Oh no there you go Looked away and Missed the show How much wasted time Will you survive Oh yeah fooled again I don't know how And I don't know when Not much else to blame But wishful thinking And I try to realise That I needn't look Any further The whole of The universe Is plain to see And I try not to rely On another world Or the future The whole of The universe Is a mystery And it gets me over Yeah it gets me over And it gets me over Yeah it gets me over you
November 5, 2004
Sun Rising
Posted at 11:00 PM
I've always thought, love is a terrible thing. That it brings out our monsters -- our fears, our insecurities, the real us. I thought that loving is conjuring an ideal element that completes us, makes us whole. That it is only temporary happiness that we feel, and that eternal bliss would only be a song sang by troubadours drunk with disillusions. He was sitting quietly in a corner. The flood-gates of his eyes, threatening to give way. He has lost his faith, with regards to the promise of first kisses, the warmth of what intense lovemaking gives, the illumination of commitment in a deep stare. He was, at that moment, an empty shell. But then, amour walks, slowly passing, smiling. "I have always been here," she sends him a mental message. And then she turns away. He was left all alone again. Left in his destitute state of groaning and mumbling mindless inanities. A faint breeze suddenly blows over him. He feels refreshed, renewed. Love has always been there, in faint hints of kisses blown with nurturing subtleness. Love doesn't have to be extravagant, shown with violent emanations of gluttony and sloth. Love is patient and does not expect. A faint light in the horizon. The sun is rising. It's a new day!
November 10, 2004
Drunken Tuesdays
Posted at 07:58 AM
I need my medications! Not only has the flower bulb been bobbing up and down, it nearly fell from the stalk! I've been having a hard time sleeping since yesterday. Prolly coz it was a Monday. And there's really nothing good with Mondays. Mundane events and nonchalant adversities. So what's new? The cerebral mass has been threatening to explode. Information overload sans irate callers and a full serving of escalations. Delish! It's so obvious that I have nothing to write but everything to writhe about. I'm sick as a pup. I have to pretend that I have this weird kind of accent just so there would be less questions with regards to my current status of talking like Droopy. A dear friend even told me last night that my mobile phone just slashed off almost 30% of its price. Ayt! I wanna drown myself now. Fate delights in tempting eveything. I'm sick as a pup, my nose is as red as a beet and my white orbs are singing, Adik sa iyo ! Someone, sedate me!
November 16, 2004
Moody Monday
Posted at 02:34 AM
This song actually made me smile yesterday.
I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
by Aerosmith
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you,
just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing. ================================================ Idling I'm here in the office and I'm freezing my butt. It's a good thing that Hazelton Heroes has ended. The queue is going back to normal. It's an official holiday and here I am, contemplating about the premium salary we'll all be getting for our next paycheck. Whoever said working in a callcenter is not that fulfilling is a half-wit who just doesn't know what money is for. Ate at Mang Jimmy's 2 days ago. Food and lingering smiles are always a good combination. God, I've missed their sisig and tapa mix! Can't wait to grab a bite again, sometime soon. It makes me miss my friends in PUGAD (all gone to med school) and some friends like Rida (who's obviously busy with her senior year). Sigh! Sigh! Sigh! ================================================ Stalker I have a stalker in the company (notice, I'm not saying office -- this guy's from another account). He was an elementary schoolmate. I was president of my class before we graduated and so I'm not really sure what kind of sick perception or wonderfully drawn impression people had about me during those formative years. And so, more than 10 years after, I meet Mr. Stalker again with his sick grin and I-know-what-you-did oggling. Oblivious to his post motives we exchanged stories about childhood booboos, nonchalant platitudes and naturalmente, exchanged contact numbers. Hell, he's been texting me every hour, every minute about unessential queries and senseless rubbish. "Is it raining outside? Raincheck, please" (do you even know what raincheck means?!), "Are you in the office?", "Are you still in the office", "Coffee?", "You're wearing pink today, aren't you?". Argh! Such a creepy guy. I always ride the train to work and I like riding in the last car. Well, Mr. Fantastic here waits for me every night even if my shift's 2 hours earlier than his. I even made reasons like I have to go off a different station just to avoid this mingling menace. Wala ka bang ibang friends? Grrrrr! Di pa talaga nakahalata! I already told him that I'm not fond of receiving sms' from him simply, because! Ang tigas pa rin ng **** ni tanga! Argh! Already told this guy that he's scaring the big Jesus out of me and if he doesn't stop, I'd have to resort to something worse (if straight talk doesn't clear his shit I don't know what will). Too cruel? There's no rest for the wicked.
November 20, 2004
After A While
Posted at 04:42 AM
The night is silent. So much more silent than it has ever been for me. The little imps are happily prancing about, talking about work, bickering about miniscule details, rambling, babbling. And I watch them, silently. Watching with infinite patience as their lips open and close to mouth words that are no longer familiar to me... My puzzlebox will never be opened. Got this from a friend's email. After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand & chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up & your eyes open
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After a while, you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden & decorate your own soul;
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you are really strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
- After A While by Veronica A. Shoffstall ...still I will never forget you.
November 22, 2004
December
Posted at 03:08 PM
It's almost a December morning and I'm eating icecream -- the cold pleasure numbing my bruised soul. I hear "Pasko na Sinta Ko" in the background ... a final insult to emotions finally reaching "blase'". Icecream does give you a sense of comfort. It offers company to the coldness all around you. I've always anticipated December. Its Christmas carols, its flashing lights, and the inexplicable Christmas air. Maybe it's just me. I dunno. But these days, I just want to be oblivious to the supposedly, happiest time of the year. A lot of bullshit has happened this year and I just want it to be over. My sister-in-law tries to nudge me out of my silent trance and offers me a slice of cake. There would be an extra two in the family next year. Christmas would be different for me this December, that's for sure.
Sick Cycle Carousel
by Life House
If shame had a face
I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this
So when will this end It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good
I never thought I'd end up here
I never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this
I guess i was wrong now one more time
Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this,
So when will this end It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this Sick cycle carousel,
this is a sick cycle, yeah Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle yeah Sick cycle carousel
November 24, 2004
Annie and Me
Posted at 01:14 AM
Again the three sisters -- fates -- silently laugh in mockery. They delight in tempting everything too much only to frustrate it in the end. I will never learn to love destiny. There is no such thing. No such joke. Onion Knight calls her Snape but I think this is too cruel to tag this creature who seemingly jinxed my broom when my game was "on". Let's call her Annie, shall we? God, I'm thinking as I'm typing this, that this entry is more apt for tigbak. But then again, this is my story. I might reveal the identity of some of my little characters in the future, and so... Back to Annie. Why do I feel like it's deja' vu all over again? Why do you always have to botch things up when everything is where it's supposed to be? Picture Professor Snape meditating.  *Big Sigh* I guess she's not at all that bad. I mean, I wouldn't like this kid If she wasn't nice when I first met her. But why does everything have to turn sour when we're talking about her shady hero? Oh, hell! I don't know what game you're playing but I've learned not to delve into situations that are so below me. Bahala ka na diyan! Isinumbong na kita kay Lord. Christmas party has been moved to the 19th. There goes all the planning. I might be able to attend afterall.
November 25, 2004
Idle
Posted at 02:02 AM
When you can't write about anything, post pictures.
We were at Greenbelt this morning, drinking coffee. Jing was contemplating about our dream car (the one in the background).
Here I am playing good conscience to my latest doppelganger, Gay
I was laughing so hard when we took this picture. Myls' favorite pic.
My best girl friends in PS. Gay and Goya. Taken during one of our usual roadtrips!
November 27, 2004
Where Are We?
Posted at 02:07 AM
These are the best of times. These are the worst of times. Your voice is fluid. Hot lava, melting this frozen being's agonizing solitude. A choir of angels giving verve to this wilted shamble. I am alive again. "Thank you", I said silently. Secretly. But like the smelting heat which hardens into coldness, a single spite gives a painful jolt. Freezing water poured over freezing water. Sarcasm, mockery and gloating. I never felt so naked. I mouth the words but not a syllable escapes my lips. The frozen embers begin to sizzle. The smoke, gently blown by the wind. And the white flag is waved across the quiet afternoon arena. Your words send a thousand shards that crush mine. To you, I am the most disgusting thing -- fourteen moons would not be enough for you to escape from reveries of this wretched soul. I long for you to hold me again. But these words are irrelevant jargons. We are lost and seem to be going round in circles. The way to the minotaur is lost; the golden thread, cut mischievously by Lachesis. We are lost.
November 28, 2004
Candle Wicks
Posted at 03:41 AM
Reiteration: Fallen Come in'
I've been expecting you.
There's a knock on the door,
And love walks through.
It lights the fire,
Smiles,
Smiled,
As though love was going to stay awhile.
But love is restless,
Love's a flirt,
Love has places to go,
And people to hurt.
And here's a shovel to smolder the flame.
Tomorrow, you'll barely remember my name.
And I'll try to forget you, my dearest one,
As a person tries to forget the sun.
For love holds no purpose,
Love holds no charms,
Love leaves you wanting,
And seeking for alms. I cannot ask you what you cannot willingly give. What you can, I will thankfully accept. Always, the sun that lights this dimly lit crevice, I am yours, always. Darkwinter
November 30, 2004
Built This Way
Posted at 02:57 AM
 'Been tapping at these keys for hours. I've only gone from half a fragment and then redoing everything again and again. What the hell is wrong with me?! I know it's not the hormones. It's not the bad weather whipping at my face the whole night. I know that it's never these things that bog me down. And then the answer comes in a blinding reallization. Pride. Questions -- answered in fleeting jargons and yet they have no concrete answer. Again, I'd like to go back into darkness, where everything is senseless and where I can just bask in the feeling of what was almost is. Don't ask me why I do not smile, why I keep my silence. Everything is clear so what are the questions for? Do not gloat. Do not show me the window. I've been there, and I know how it felt, how it still feels. Emotions cannot be contained and it cannot be kept in a single conversation, an ephemeral smile that quickly fades as soon as a name is uttered. I am in woe, to put it bluntly. I do not need your alms of gloating questions. I was naked for that particular moment and I bared my soul. You know me. As much as you deny it, you know me. Questions are meant for those who want to dissert an unwelcome event. If ever there was someone who needed to interrogate then that person is she who doesn't know the answer. Do not mock me with your cruel words, your insensitive facade. I'm in woe. If it is as easy for you, then keep in mind, we are two different entities. I miss my old self. I miss taking off my shoes and frollicking in the mud, shouting in glee. I miss how timid I was. I miss my innocence. I miss the chaos, the contemplations and waking hours full of reveries. I guess, Gay is right. Although I try to be every person's savior, I'm not supposed to be. I wasn't built that way.
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