I'm in woe. Words need not be spoken in order for you to fathom what's really in the rabbit hole. Psyche kept her silence knowing that amour is enough. That Eros would remain her knight despite the enticing stream. But this... I guess, there is indeed too many nymphs bathing and it is too much for Cupid to handle. Did you ever feel like you were stabbed in the back by someone who's been nonchalantly silent, a watcher that broods through everyday events in the arena? I did. Just now. I don't know if this is the reason why you keep silent when you are with she who's been patiently waiting for an answer -- an answer she already knows but fails to hear due to the drowning wave of lies. She never questioned your motives because trust is always a scarce commodity. And so, she clasps at her ears each and everytime until the pillars of pallor turn her into a wan zombie feeding on what is just served up front. She was warned of the fire you wield. She stood her ground despite the murmurs from the stream. She knows that the cool wind would soon smite the fire to frozen embers. But it is stoked by circumstances that always point to the other direction. Sana, masaya ka na. Don't count on winning any bets, if there is one. Your egg just cracked. This is what I get for thinking there is innate kindness in everyone even if it's just a little bit. This is what I get for being so trusting. This is what I get for being so stupid. Right now, I know enough. But what I know, you will never know... Get a life! ** Dennis, thanks for the feel-better brownies.

Dusk Delirium

The coffee frothe was starting to deflate. Advent and I were having one of those quiet conversations you get so engrossed with, you tend to forget your little burdens for a moment. The throbbing mass was beating faster and faster -- pure excitement from another day of higher learning; palpitation from xanthine, thanks to coffee; fear for whom the bell will toll in the preceding hours of the day.
God, I'm such a nervous wreck! But my mind was made up. Let the happy people remain happy. And let the little elves twirl their batons in wild abandon. No regrets.

Twilight Rhapsody

Silence, my eternal enemy, secret lover, eternal comfort.
So I thought, "This is it. Bahala na si Batman!"

And into the whirlpool I went. What's really unsettling is the way the cool stream flows after the cascading waterfalls. Elation cannot be kept from other people but knowing that someone is in melancholy is still somewhat disheartening. The sun is starting to rise...

Amber Dawn

"I'll just deposit the money as soon as the bank opens."
"Tanga! Sunday ngayon! Walang bangko! Bwahahaha!"
"Ay oo nga. Wala na talaga akong sense of time. Hahaha!"

The words fade. And I fall into infinity as my eyes slowly close. Sleep. I do so love Sundays... except for the long queues. I get to spend my breaks in solace... and sometimes, with dear friends you know will stand by you, understand you and encourage a little mischief.

Breakfast will be special. Company, priceless.

Currently Listening To: Coldplay's Clocks

I know I'll keep staring at blank space, smiling stupidly for the rest of the week (Yeah, I know! It'll probably be much longer than that ).

I will never be good at playing cards but watching the master play while binging on chips, salsa and booze is enough to pacify idle hands and hungry hearts.

As I watched aces, and hearts being shuffled impatiently, my mind was drifting through more serious thoughts. Should happiness be gregarious laughter bursting from the bossom; or silent smiles fleeting and fading, fleeting and fading? I guess at that time, I still didn't know. I was to find out during the latter part of the evening.

Cris. I never liked my name not until it was uttered by you. Always, you seem to add newance to it's old and boring theme. You ask your question with all innocence and I am taken aback for a moment. I answer your question with frantic foreboding, blurting it out in a spatter of words.

Yes. Can you not see it still? It was absolute silence for me after that. My position has never been that obvious. All my cards are laid down. "I have nothing else to say," I thought. But nothing could render me more speechless than what I heard the next.

Sometimes, you force yourself to see things, to hear things, and feel things that are non-existent to everyone else but you. You admonish yourself that this is good enough. You're content. You're happy. But when you see it, when you hear it, when you feel it in its clearest essence, nothing disorients you more. Again, eternity in a single moment.

The next day was bliss.

I know, I will never be the same again. But for now, I know I'll keep staring at blank space, smiling stupidly for the rest of the week

Currently Listening To: GooGoo Doll's Iris

So, I'm back to feeling mundane about the la-deeh-dahs of life. And I'm asking myself, shall I start complaining again? Blase'? Never. Not me. I just don't want to get so used to the world, it no longer amuses me.

Bring it on!

Melancholy in the backdrop.
11:50 pm.
Dark and surreal.
Enter Winter Dark.

It's been raining since yesternoon and I could feel my mood melding with the weather. Earlier this week, my schedule was set to spend Wednesday with my favorite girls. But it seems that unfortunate events are indeed inevitable. And so...

Liquid misery and antagonizing frustration.

I never want to have to ask myself again, "Do they think about how I feel"?

As if the weeping starscape was not enough, fate decided to give my enamoring godling that little confrontation. Whenever you feel the need to confide, dearest; I'm just here.

Yesterday, GayGo and I had a small talk. I never cry in front of other people. But in front of her, I felt no need to shy away from what I really felt. I confided my little devils -- hidden anger, self-pity and psychoanalysis. The tempest in my heart was somehow abated by her calming words, although there was not that much comfort filtered from her effort. I felt alone during those fleeting moments. I couldn't help it. And although I remain silent during times of distraught, I'm never one who sulks about it in the end. If you were to ask me now, "Do I still love my friends?", my answer would be, "Yes. Why should I not (eh ang cu-cute ng mga friends ko, parang ako. hahaha!)"?! This is just me being balat sibuyas and tampuroorot. So, don't ask me why I'm not smiling. It's just facial cramps.

Exit Winter Dark.

Do you believe in serendipity? I didn't. I do now. Earlier this evening during the middle of my shift, I was answering this Feng Shui quiz my former doppelganger sent me. I breezed through the forecast and i silently said," Galeng, ah"!

This little event unraveled into a more complicated thread when I went on lunch. Someone sent me a ringback of one of the more meaningful songs I've been listening to for the past few months for my mobile phone. I asked my closest friends if they were the ones who sent me this sweet gesture but none of them were guilty of the deed. I suddenly thought of kindred and my fingers began tapping at the keys. I suddenly received a message from this curious creature -- "Are you still awake?" 

Serendipity.

in case I am too much consumed by joy of seeing your elating smile,
or too singed by bereavement on thoughts of the day ending,
or too heady on what to say for fear of not saying the perfect words
at the right time;
I want to tell you where my thoughts have been fleeting to
during the times that I am alone,
among friends,
in melancholy,
or into too much jubilation.
my mind wanders through a place no other than
being with you again.
moments like this -- a breath, a wink, momentary greatness.

Soft sands, clear waters, cool breeze, ale, smokes, and great company. My friends decided to go to Batangas for a batch party yesterday. Soft sands, clear waters, cool breeze, ale, smokes, and great company; I kept repeating this like a mantra. Alas, the soft wind tempted me elsewhere. The aftermath of my shift sent me haggling with women in buns and sandals amidst the wet market of Munoz. The opaline shell of prawns were my first pursuit after which my tired feet tugged me towards a drier part of the arena to purchase cholesterol-inducing liempo.

Birthdays are so exciting. You get to prepare food and booze and get to see the celebrant smile stupidly with every plan gone wrong. Hahaha! I had lunch at Grilla. I was craving for cream cheese oysters. Not as barriotic as Batangas but the food was delicious, nonetheless. I was not able to satisfy my craving but I, we found a great alternative. Healthy food from now on! Hah!

Conversations were care-free. Company was special. While moments of silence were precious. Past disillusions, future plans and major goals for the present times. Long have I waited for chances like these when you could just sit and talk. Just sit and talk...and grin stupidly. Hahaha! I do have my share of these little pleasures when I’m in the company of Gay and Goya, my 2 great doppelgangers. And now, I share this same intimacy with another kindred spirit. Thank you for sharing your secrets.

Got to talk to Gay and Goya through sms. I love these girls. They make me smile despite the despites. Been busy at the office doing admin work for the Christmas party. Got to share my artistic prowess by making charicature paper toles. It’s fun when your working with someone as gay as Derrick. Literally and figuratively. Ü I have to enjoy my last few days with VIP ‘coz I’m gonna be transferred to Web Hosting in a few weeks (my 2 supervisors talked me into it). An angel gave me that little nudge of courage I needed, though. And so...

The past few days made me forget about this coming Christmas. I know that this will entirely be different for me this year but I have to let myself be accustomed to it. I am lonely but not alone.

I've been feeling a little low lately. Recently, my mind has been the leisure-place of my past and present melancholies. What's so unnerving is that I can't seem to do anything about my little monsters. I'm stuck in a rut.

I'm unhappy with work. The only consolation I have is that pre-birthday meeting with that one person who truly understands me. Still, I was not able to divulge the root of my desperation simply because I'm such a coward.

Advent and I were having one of our little conversations earlier and I was telling him how somehow, I felt relieved that we were going on this trip to Boracay with Pao and Chiqui. I'm turining a new leaf this 25th and yet I feel that growth never knocked on my door. I'm a hopeless case.

I woke up today, suddenly telling myself, "Ayoko nang pag-praktisan ang buhay ko". I don't want to spend my wearry years contemplating about  the things I could've done when I could've done them. Sigh! Sigh! Sigh!

*Uber Depression*

Why am I unhappy? Hindi ko din alam.

I want to make sense of this. And maybe, I'll find sense in this benign swirl -- the gods' mocking laughter.

The torrent seems too strong, oars will flail towards the stream. I'm beginning to think that stars conspire to tease little souls, to witness the fanfare of hearing teardrops fall. I know that when the ship sails, it will all be but one person boarding the ship. Denial found a new friend. Everything is so turbid and I'm beginning to tire of this vicious cycle.

Home is no longer home to me. Rarely do I see the friendly faces that greet me, "How was your day at work"? It's a good thing I have friends who are semi-psychics. Advent never fails to read the expression on my face and Leroix always senses the misery in my messages.

Leroix would be coming by later during my lunchbreak. Thank God, for friends like you.

I'm wondering right now, will something happen worse than this? You end up feeling irate about something you really resent, you sound like a raving banshee; you go home tipsy (not to mention uber sleepy from 2 bottles of ale you decided to imbibe straight due to frustration); you reach home and play love doctor over the phone because 2 of your friends are having a misunderstanding; you only get 3 hours sleep; and when you wake up, you find out your family decided to go to the province without even telling you! And it's supposed to be my birthday!!!