not ready
Posted at 06:10 PM
i used to think
that's all, i used to.
now my years have stripped me off my senses,
a naked dresser ready for new life,
empty and filled with the dainty iris flower
and satchels eaten by moths,
the room reaking like that of a departed man,
cigar-grey haze and dust on old fabric,
something rudimentarily comforting
and yet --
it's perfume of death that lingers.
like the rain trip-trapping on sodden grass
after a great flood, the smell of burnt candles
and lost causes and departed silhouettes.
like the brain has a hidden agenda that mars and skews.
maybe that's what really dies with age...
imagination or illumination when the windows have been covered
with pale pink veils but darkened with forgotten dreams,
i'm not ready to be old.
all this time and age,
the moons and sands and seasons,
and --
i'm still not ready.
Posted at 03:23 AM
my dearest friends,
i have not written in a long time,
and i wish to share some of the most important moments
that happened before the year turned a new leaf.
december 23, 2005
winter was winter.
i watched with straining eyes,
remembering your image as i rode the cab,
and it taxied to its destination.
i was not even able to say goodbye.
i remember being quiet the whole trip home.
and when i arrived,
the place was the same when i left it
... empty.
i dragged myself to bed,
wishing christmas ends when i opened my eyes.
i was happy when you and a dear friend asked me
to spend christmas the next day.
i wouldn't be alone afterall.
december 31, 2005
i was not expecting anything anymore.
but i was able to spend new year with you.
first time he felt you kick.
they say, the first day of the year is a premonition
of things to come.
i was happy.
sana, sana...
===
i know i'm not making sense.
nothing does, these past few days.
i'm in those sullen moods once again.
the world is indeed round.
i feel pity for the flowers.
they never bloom in winter.
except of course for the chrysanthemums
that blush the coldness away.
life is never fair.
on the fifth month,
it will be sunny in my garden again.
thank god!
i will hear children laughing in the background.
an angel will appear,
and i will smile once more.
