on fidelity
Posted at 09:07 PM

sunshower was blaring from the other room.
it roused me from sleep. i had to see if it was chris cornell
singing me, "good morning!"

alex downed her first ounce of apple juice. i just love these
everyday changes in our lives.

got a call from my doppelganger, advent. frustrations on
love and life. sure, it makes everything worthwhile; but
the thing is, man never forgets. they just act oblivious.
but they will remember. and this will only add to your own
melancholy. so why give a damn?!

forgive. but do not forget. lest you forget yourself...

Alexi Dominiq
Posted at 12:49 PM

things have been crazy lately.
my bestfriend, derrick went to visit
with the equally luscious ian before alex and i went back home.
my college bestfriend, charlie;
just went back to korea to finish his contract;
but not before visiting me and my baby bachoi
to give his christening gift ( a chicco baby carrier -- yay!).
lee and rex already went shopping for a playpen, a stroller,
and some clothes for our little angel.
i think about the things we'll be doing in the future,
and it excites and scares me at the same time.
i think about my past folly, the heartaches, and the things i try
to endure...
but she...
... makes everything worthwhile.
































i've been watching house, season 1 & 2. and it's got me hooked
like an addict.

you pretend to buck the system.
you pretend to be a rebel.
you claim to hate rules.
but all you do is substitute your own rules for society's.
and it's a nice simple rule...
tell the blunt, honest truth
in the starkest, darkest way;
and what will be, will be.
what will be, should be.
and everyone else is a coward.
but youre wrong.
it's not cowardly to not call someone an idiot.
people are not tactful and polite
just because it's nice.
they do it because they have an ounce of humility.
because they know that they will make mistakes.
and they know that.- Moriarty, House MD (2nd Season Finale)

currently listening to: everybody changes by keane

Why I Hold Back
Posted at 02:51 AM

Why I must hold back...

I think I'll just wait for the information to be given voluntarily, no? As much as I want to ask, as much as I want to know, the best thing to do would be to draw upon my very limited vat of patience and simply wait. One cannot demand to know things, just because. A reason must support the demand, just as a reason must support a request. I have no reason, though. I just want.

Knowing would serve me no purpose, knowing would give me nothing, and yet I still want to know. For the sake of knowing. For the sake of the knowledge being available to me, should the time come when it could be useful. Or needed. For the sake of knowing that I could be entrusted with information as personal as it is. It's not even personal, really. It's just not something you tell every person that you meet. But it's something you tell people you cherish, people you adore, people you want to be with you. It's something you tell your friends, your family, your loved ones. And, I guess, I want to be one of those. Though I've been told that I am, I really don't feel it until I'm privy to information available only to that select few. And in this case, that particular piece of information that I'm focused on, I don't have.

I could just take the words as they're given, and accept them as the absolute truth. I could take them with a grain of salt, and reserve a little bit of myself in case they don't hold true. But the best would be to hear them, and know that they're true each and every time, because you feel it, you see it, and in essence, you know it. I don't want to hold back. I want to give in, every particle of my being. But until that final step has been taken, at this particular phase where we stand, I'm afraid I can't. I will accept it, I will cherish it, I will be it.. but I can't surrender everything to it.

What, you ask my dear readers, is this piece of information that I wish to entreaty myself? What, you query, is this final step that I await to be taken? Ah... not something I can share with you, I'm afraid. Among you is the bearer of the aforementioned piece of privileged information, and should I say what it is, I might be looked upon as forcing the hand of the bearer to impart it unto me. I want it to be done willingly, because I am believed to be worthy of the knowledge, and not because I let the world and sundry know that I wanted to know as well.

A major step has been taken this day, dear readers. A step forward where most steps taken are towards the rear. Life was faced, truth was accepted, and secrets were shared with the concerned parties of the world. True, some things are best unsaid, but some secrets are best revealed. This latest revelation brought not chaos unto the world, but peace of mind and an unburdening of the packhorse that is the soul. Times have been difficult and filled with trials, but we worked through it. And we shall work through what other hurdles come our way. Love may not keep us alive, but it gives us reason to want to keep on going. It truly does make life worth living... And we'll journey towards that life where we can build a world together.

Posted at 01:19 PM

I Don't Want To Be
by: Gavin Degraw

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be
anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
am i the only one to notice
I can't be the only one who's learned

I don't want to be
anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone's attention please
if you're not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountains
the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay dust stone
and now I'm telling everybody


I don't want to be
anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me


I DONT WANT TO BE... I DONT WANT TO BE... I DONT WANT TO BE.... ANYTHING OTHER THAN..

Posted at 01:28 AM

alexi mikaela...

Posted at 03:23 AM

my dearest friends,

i have not written in a long time,
and i wish to share some of the most important moments
that happened before the year turned a new leaf.

december 23, 2005

winter was winter.
i watched with straining eyes,
remembering your image as i rode the cab,
and it taxied to its destination.
i was not even able to say goodbye.
i remember being quiet the whole trip home.
and when i arrived,
the place was the same when i left it
... empty.
i dragged myself to bed,
wishing christmas ends when i opened my eyes.
i was happy when you and a dear friend asked me
to spend christmas the next day.
i wouldn't be alone afterall.

december 31, 2005

i was not expecting anything anymore.
but i was able to spend new year with you.
first time he felt you kick.
they say, the first day of the year is a premonition
of things to come.
i was happy.
sana, sana...

===

i know i'm not making sense.
nothing does, these past few days.
i'm in those sullen moods once again.
the world is indeed round.
i feel pity for the flowers.
they never bloom in winter.
except of course for the chrysanthemums
that blush the coldness away.
life is never fair.

on the fifth month,
it will be sunny in my garden again.
thank god!
i will hear children laughing in the background.
an angel will appear,
and i will smile once more.

not ready
Posted at 06:10 PM

i used to think
that's all, i used to.
now my years have stripped me off my senses,
a naked dresser ready for new life,
empty and filled with the dainty iris flower
and satchels eaten by moths,
the room reaking like that of a departed man,
cigar-grey haze and dust on old fabric,
something rudimentarily comforting
and yet --
it's perfume of death that lingers.
like the rain trip-trapping on sodden grass
after a great flood, the smell of burnt candles
and lost causes and departed silhouettes.
like the brain has a hidden agenda that mars and skews.
maybe that's what really dies with age...
imagination or illumination when the windows have been covered
with pale pink veils but darkened with forgotten dreams,
i'm not ready to be old.
all this time and age,
the moons and sands and seasons,
and --
i'm still not ready.

Posted at 06:12 PM

here is the place,
where i can cease to exist;
where no one will ask;
where i can be me.

here is the place,
where i can rest this face
-- this face that i've worn
forever.

here is the place,
where my silence is not alien;
where no one will care;
where i can just wait for oblivion.

==

the year is finally ending.
and i am still thankful for a lot of things.

mom: thank you for understanding, for the lampin and for always
being there.
lance: thank you for being one of my pillars of strength despite your young age.
karina: thank you for always being my sister. i will miss you.
dad: thank you.
to my friends: thank you for the tolerance.
to my future angel: thank you for being my strength. i'm sorry for all the sadness.

 

 

 

re-iteration
Posted at 12:47 AM

yes, i'm writing again. and what fell mirth fills this heart with glee? none, which does not visit every mortal's door.

feeling the spark go out of spark somehow unnerved me. and now, i seldom wake on soaking pillows. we have this, and this will always be enough.

not all smiles are what they appear to be. i've recently found out, janus has a twin. stop pretending to be my friend. i've laid myself bare before and all you did was strike me with your half-baked concoctions.

do your worst! you've already sucked me dry. this is me, smiling... gloating...arguments are truly solved only when there are no nosy imps in the background.

why people strive to be ugly to others, is still a riddle to me.

share, share:I'VE LEARNED THAT...

--- if life is an endless series of tests, love will always be the ultimate question;

--- if it is the question, love itself will answer its own question in life;

--- if love is the problem, it will always present solutions and seek ways to solve it - where emotions can only understand as the mind sees it illogical and absurd;

--- love has its own sense of logic and reason diametrically opposed from the logic and reason we have been conditioned into; These already exist long before the mind's logic and reason first thought of.

--- if love is what adds up to the heavy load, love as itself will happily carry the burden.

--- if love is what inflicts a severe wound that seems impossible to heal as it further worsens the agony, love in itself can only cure the wound a thousand fold

--- if love has been the cause of a bitter and cruel separation, it will always find its way back.

--- that no matter how much love u give... u can never expect to be loved the same way.

--- the one for you doesn't have to be perfect... it just has to feel right...

--- there's a thin line between love & hate...

--- no matter what your reasons are, there's no excuse for hurting anyone.

--- when you break someone's heart, you also break your own.

---when all had been said and done, and someone cannot find it in himself to forgive you, you have to be contented that you've learned to forgive yourself.

--- time can heal some wounds...but for me, time drags on and each day hurts more than the last.

--- after much love, you can be reduced to just another friend...

--- love is a cycle and a vicious one at that. No matter how much i think i have learned given the crap i have gone through in the past, i really haven't, because i forget.

--- love is when you can see that you're probably not right for each other, but you're certain that you're not right for anyone else either.

add, add:

--- there is no happy ending, but you can always make your life better.

--- it is never too late.